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Post some good story jokes.

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Posts until end: 800

Joined: 07 Dec 2004
Posts: 221
Location: Maryland, USA

PostPosted: Tue May 24, 2005 12:29 am    Post subject: Post some good story jokes. Reply with quote

I guess I'll start (taken from my girlfriend's Xanga):

A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to VERY serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a guaranteed weight loss program. ''Guaranteed my ass,'' he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3 day/ 10 pound weight loss program.
The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptous, athletic, beautiful babe dressed in nothing but a pair of NIKE running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, ''If you can catch me you can have me!''

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, ''I like the way this company does business.''

The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost ten pounds, as promised.

So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/ 20 pound program. As expected, the next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunningly beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but REEBOK running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, ''If you can catch me, you can have me.''

He's after her in a shot. This girl is in great shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it's worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he's ever had. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another twenty pounds as promised!

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/ 50 pound loss program.
''Are you sure,'' asks the representative on the phone, ''this is our most rigorous program...''
''Absolutely,'' he replies. '' I haven't felt this great in years!''

The next day there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads, ''If I catch you, I can have you!!'''

The artist formally known as BlueHyren.
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Joined: 01 Dec 2004
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Location: Akarra: Project Phoenix

PostPosted: Tue May 24, 2005 2:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

classic yet hilarious. I've seen this done as a comic strip before.

3 day - program

Day1 - 5pounds
Day2 - 10pounds
Day3 - 20pounds

Day1: The guy comes to the clinic and goes into the room with a single sofa in the center. Enter's a hot naked girl with the same sign "if you catch me, you can have me". He chases her around the sofa yet he can't catch her. He checks and indeed he lost 5 pounds like the company advertised

Day2: Same thing happens with an even hotter babe. He still can't catch her and keeps chasing her around the sofa. He checks and once again he lost 10pounds.

Day3: The guy finally decides to move the sofa to block off half the room so he can catch the girl easier. Proud of this idea, he waits until a black man enters the room with the sign "If I catch you, I can have you."
My 2 cents were stolen, so here's some lint and a toothpick
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PostPosted: Tue May 24, 2005 3:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

OK, here you go, a funny text.

Three simple business lesson:

Lesson Number One
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit
noticed the crow, and asked, "Can I sit like you and do nothing all day

The crow answered, "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral Of The Story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Number Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day,
after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after
a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon, though, the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the
turkey out of the tree.

Moral Of The Story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Number Three
When the body was first created, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The
brain said, "I should be Boss because I control all of the body's
responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss since we carry the brain about and get
him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and
earn all the money."

Finally, the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the
asshole being the Boss. So, the asshole went on strike, blocked itself
up and refused to work. Within a short time, the eyes became crossed, the
hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic, and
the brain fevered. Eventually, they all decided that the asshole should be

Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work
while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Moral Of The Story:
You don't need brains to be a Boss -- any asshole will do.

The Ranger without a cause.

Note to self: When faced with Human stupidity at it's best, RUN LIKE HELL
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PostPosted: Tue May 24, 2005 3:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get that?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a camel.

The pharmacist faints.
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PostPosted: Wed May 25, 2005 12:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This one's a good one, unfortunatley, I only found the one I translated into Hebrew, so I'll have to translate it back. Babel Fish syndrom.
Probably gonna take me a while - (Beginning: 14:51)

At the end of every flight, the pilot fills a form that reports the mechanichs of any problems that rose during the flight.
The mechanichs read the problem, fix it, and write on the other side of the form how they fixed the problem.
Here are some real problems and solutions who've been written by pilots and mechanichs in Qantas Airlines.

P- Stands for the Problem the pilot wrote.
S- Stands for the Solution the mechanichs used.

P- Inner right wheel almost demands replacement.
S- Inner right wheel almost replaced.

P- Test flight was good, except for the the automatic landing mechanism.
S- Automatic landing mechanism was not even installed in the plane.

P- Something's loose in the cockpit.
S- Something has been bolted harder in the cockpit.

P- Dead bugs on wind shield.
S- Live bugs are not on stock.

P- Auto-pilot loses altitude on 250km/h.
S- Could not achieve such a situation on the ground.

P- DME volume is unbelievable.
S- DME volume adjusted to a more believable level.

P- Firction locks make the plane lose velocity.
S- Yes, that's what they're there for.

P- IFF doesn't work.
S- IFF never works when it's Off.

P- I suspect the wing is damaged.
S- We suspect you're right.

P- Engine number 3 is missing.
S- Engine number 3 was found on the right wing after a short examination.

P- The gear handle acts funny.
S- The gear handle was taught to move straight and act maturely.

P- Identification radar hums.
S- We taught the identification radar the entire song's lyrics.

P- Mouse found in cockpit.
S- Cat installed.

P- Noise coming from under the dashboard. Sounds like a midget bangs on something with a hammer.
S- Took the midget's hammer.

That's it. (Ending: 3:11 - Faster than expected)
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